I’m not exactly sure when I first remember hearing about this whack job, but it was within the span of a few years ago. The first thing I remember hearing about this guy is that he tried to claim bankruptcy, didn’t file his tax returns properly, and stated that his motivation for claiming that he wasn’t a United States Citizen and had no income or possessions was because everything he owned belonged to God.

That’s a little glimpse of the mental capacity of the man in the title.

Typically (sadly) this wouldn’t strike me as anything more crazy than I’d hear on an average day on the news. However, what captured my attention and I found particularly agitating was the fact that this man had his PhD. “Why does this bother you so?” you might ask. Well, it’s because someday I’d like to have my PhD (or at least my EdD), and this ass-clown is really devaluing the worth of a doctorate.

I’m sure by now you’re wondering how this one person could single-handedly destroy the value of the most prestigious academic achievement mankind has to offer. In order to better understand this, let’s dig a little bit deeper into the life of this big, dumb man-child and see what comes about. **Brace yourselves for large bouts of laughter, followed by immediate feelings of nausea and remorse, please.**

“Dr.” Kent Hovind completed his bachelor of religious education degree at Midwestern Baptist College in Pontiac, Michigan in 1974. He was awarded his Master’s degree in 1988 from Patriot University in Colorado Springs. By 1989 he founded the Creation Science Evangelism Ministry and by 1991 had earned a “doctorate” in Christian Education from Patriot University as well. Now the problem with all of these degrees that Kent was earning was that Patriot University was (and is still) a non-accredited university (accreditation is an award given to universities that prove the quality of their education through all kinds of different, rigorous measures. My alma mater is NCATE accredited, for example). It may be misleading if you go to their website, however, because they claim that they’re accredited, just not by the ‘government.’  It’s accredited by God.  Unfortunately for the graduates from Hillbilly U., God’s signature of accreditation is worth about as much as accreditation from Santa Claus.

Now, onto some other points of interest in Hovi’s life. Don’t worry, we’ll get back to his academic credentials in a hot minute.

For now though, let’s move onto another facet. A little place I like to call…

Dinosaurs! Adventures! All in the comfort of this creepy guy’s backyard!

Kent is also the creator of Dinosaur Adventure Land (DAL), a theme park based on creationism located behind his house in Pensacola, Florida. Yes, he’s serious. Read a little bit about Dinosaur Adventure Land here and try not to pee your pants as you giggle. Learn about dinosaurs, principles of science, and even how to make a paper airplane that can fly over 300 feet! Wow! I’m really excited about the paper airplane! I hope the Tyrannosaurus Rex teaches me how to make it! How this swindler made enough money to build a theme park in his backyard is well beyond me. Parents, this is precisely why you don’t tell your kids growing up that they can do anything. Because some of them may actually try.  And then be successful.

If you’ve already booked your flight to Florida to visit Dinosaur Adventure Land, however, you may want to check and see if you can get some vouchers for those tickets; DAL is closed indefinitely due to Kent’s federal tax evasion charges. Oh, and also because he didn’t obtain a building permit from the city of Pensacola before he built an amusement park in his backyard. There were 58 tax-related charges levied against him before he decided that he needed to try and save DAL for the children by deeding his theme park to his brother, Eric Hovind, and his equally zany partner in crime, Glen Stoll. Unfortunately, that’s illegal and is considered tax evasion. You don’t get points for trying and all you probably did was piss the federal government off more. They just want to seize your assets, Kent. And The Man gets what The Man wants.  Unlike your god.

“Ahh, first ones here! And you know why? ‘Cause we’re the Griswalds!”

Now, all of this wackiness isn’t really even what irks me the most about the guy; the federal charges, using God as an excuse as to why he didn’t file his taxes, the zany theme park he built for himself in his backyard (that does kind of bug me, actually. What a waste of money). What does bother me, however, is that this man refers to himself as “Dr. Hovind”, or, on his crazy-ass website, as “Dr. Dino”.  I’d like to preface what I’m about to show you with just how hard earning a PhD should be.

In a nutshell, on top of the coursework required by the university you attend, in order to obtain a PhD you have to create an original piece of academic research. Along the way you submit pieces of this research to publications so that, basically, everyone can bash it and you can see how well it holds up to the criticism of other professionals in the field. The peer review process is absolutely brutal, but necessary, to ensure the legitimacy of the research. After years of research, writing, rewriting, repeating, you submit your final thesis to be reviewed by a counsel that determines whether its an original, acceptable body of research or not.

I’ve seen this process bring some of the smartest, motivated people I’ve ever met to their metaphorical knees. But in the end, the collection of work submitted is (or should be) immense, compelling, and influential.

My interest was piqued about this crazy bastard and what kind of crazy, genius sociopath he was.  I had built him up to ‘Brain’ status from the Warner Bros. ‘Animaniacs’.  Simply diabolical.  How else could he get away with the shit that he got away with for so long?

I had built Kent Hovind up to this status in my head.

After reading his dissertation, I will tell you how:

People are dumb.

I tried to read Hovind’s work, but it’s like a dammed Shakespearean tragedy.  I laughed.  I cried.  Eventually I just wanted to give up and read the cliff notes.  If you’d like, you can check out his dissertation right here.

If you’re not feeling overly ambitious about reading some terribly written bullshit, let me give you the abridged version.  “Dr.” Hovind’s doctoral dissertation begins as follows:

Hello, my name is Kent Hovind. I am a creation/science evangelist. I live in Pensacola, Florida. I have been a high school science teacher since 1976.

Holy shit.  I feel like he just introduced himself at a speed dating convention.  After suffering through minutes of that man’s work, I value his doctoral status less than Dr. Seuss, Dr. Dre, and Dr. Pepper. All of whom I think are more qualified to lecture to anyone about anything more than Kent Hovind. At least Doctors Seuss and Dre are fun to listen to. Hovind writes like a dammed fourth grader.

Another favorite:

I will be quick to point out that “there is nothing new under the sun” Most of my ideas are the result of the input of hundreds of Godly men and women through the years.

God dammit.  I may wretch on myself.

I’m glad you’re admittedly writing your dissertation about nothing new.  That should really help advance the field of whatever the hell it is you’re rambling on about for pages and pages and pages.

Hovind is a charlatan of the worst caliber.  A stupid one.  A man trying to sell ketchup popsicles to as many ladies wearing white gloves as he can.  And then he has a stash of white gloves waiting in the wings.  And the ladies can see them.  But they still buy the popsicles anyways.  I would probably be a little less frightened if I thought this lunatic didn’t actually believe in the shit that he does, but I have a sneaky suspicion that he thinks the Earth is only 4,000 years old and that Jesus rode on dinosaurs while he was helping the blind to see again.

Yep.  He’s definitely one of those guys.  One of my favorite parts in that video has to be when he references a leviathan.

“Now what on earth is a leviathan?” he asks.

Hopefully you’re not wondering the same thing, because he answers his own question by saying, “I think leviathan is probably Tyrannosaurus Rex.  I don’t know.  I can’t prove this.  But I’ve read it many times and it seems to fit and it may or may not be right, but I’m preaching tonight so for tonight it’s Tyrannosaurus Rex.”

He does, however, digress into some interesting facts about T-Rexes though.  And I have to admit, they sound pretty awesome.  I hope he can make up some more shit about dinosaurs in the Bible.  In fact, from now on, let’s just call dinosaurs ‘leviathans’ instead!  Then, I’ll go catch a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and sleep with my 75 virgins waiting for me after I save the Easter Bunny from the deadly clutches of Frankenstein’s monster.

Of course I can’t prove any of that is actually possible.

Thanks for diluting the field, Kent.  After listening to his pointless story about how his mom drug him behind their vehicle on his bike using a rope, I guess I kind of get an idea of the gene pool his family swims in.  I hope you enjoy prison, you dick.

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Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

– Gautama Buddha, Kalama Sutra

I suppose if you made me guess a state that this man would be running for governor of…

Alabama, it’d be awfully embarrassing for this guy to be in charge of a Bojangles, let alone your entire state.  What a jackass.

If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

– Deuteronomy 22: 28-29, The Bible (New International Version)

“My brother is extremely religious since his troubled youth,” says his sister. “He’s not crazy.”

And so ends the story of Gary Brooks Faulkner – or perhaps it is only the beginning. Coined by the media as “The Rocky Mountain Rambo,” Faulker has been waging nearly a decade of solo clandestine war against Osama bin Laden, traveling numerous times throughout Pakistan, learning their culture, making connections, gaining intel on the 9/11 mastermind’s whereabouts, while doing his best to blend in with the locale. Unfortunately, his mission came to a premature end the other day when suspicious Pakistani officials arrested him after finding in his possession of a handgun, a sword, night-vision goggles, a small amount of hashish, and numerous books on Christianity when trying to enter the country.

Faulkner feared no terrorists on his search for the 9/11 mastermind. Trained in the ancient martial art of Hapkido, he was prepared to take on any terrorist who got in the way of his goal: taking down the man who tried to take down America.

“The fact that he’s been over there six times and has not received a scratch tells me that somebody’s looking after him,” said Scott Faulker, another sibling. “[Gary] could blend in with the local population and go places that our military cannot go. We [the US government] have relationships with the Pakistani government: ‘OK. You can go in this region or you can’t go in that region,’ whereas my brother could go about willy-nilly. He had a long beard. He looked like Taliban. When he wore his robe, he looked like Taliban. The only way you could tell he was not was when he spoke.”

I wouldn’t go as far as saying that he “looked Taliban” – rather, on first glance, one might think he was headed willy-nilly to a Grateful Dead concert. Hell, he even brought some hashish. Who in their mind would bother a Deadhead? I have one qualm though: one might think that speaking the native tongue fluently would be essential to tracking down the most wanted man in the world. Besides, as I understand it, Islamic extremists don’t take very kindly to westerners.

“Who do you work for?” the masked extremist asks, slapping Gary across the face.

“I work for, like, God, man… and Mohammad is his bitch.”

“Ajmal – get the camera and machete. Now.”

“Right on, bro.”

Really though, I whole-heartedly support Mr. Faulker’s ambitions. Much like the man he was hunting, his kidneys are failing him and according to his sister, they have only 9% function, meaning he needs kidney dialysis three times a week. All he wanted, she said, was “to do one last thing for his country before he died.” We sit here sipping on our appletinis, watching bad reality TV, expecting the military to do all of the dirty work, while dying Gary is sword-fighting and flying side kicking his way to bin Laden one terrorist at a time. He didn’t even rely on the crutch of military experiences, although, as his sister put it: “He does come from a family of hunters.”

And as Gary put it: “God is with me, and I am confident I will be successful in killing him.”

I think we all have a little something to learn from Mr. Faulker.

Sources: 1, 2

Awesome.

hack
1. machine politician: a politician who belongs to a small clique that controls a political party for private rather than public ends
2. a mediocre and disdained writer
3. an old or over-worked horse

Tony Perkins is a hack. He’s a bigoted, fear-mongering, hateful hack at that. A former Republican Representative from Louisiana with a degree from the Fundamentalist Christian Liberty University and the current president of the poorly named hate-group the Family Research Council, one might expect that when he writes some blubbering nonsense about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” undermining religious liberty, it might be laughable. One might not expect that to be on the front page of CNN though.

Yet, I actually applaud CNN for highlighting this man’s completely illogical and ignorant message in their political opinion column. It only proves to show how absolutely out-of-touch and dangerous organizations such as the Family Research Council really are. If they had an ounce of credibility left – they didn’t – it would be far out the window now.

Just take a look at a few of these man’s excuses for an argument:

Some people think allowing open homosexuality in the military means nothing more than opening a door that was previously closed. It means much more than that. It would mean simultaneously ushering out the back door anyone who disapproves of homosexual conduct, whether because of legitimate privacy and health concerns or because of moral or religious convictions.

These radical Christians cannot get over their absolute obsession with sex. He argues that if what a soldier does in the privacy of his own bedroom is offensive to people of certain religious convictions, then allowing them to serve in the military would be equivalent to giving the boot to those who find it offensive. Christianity also condemns sex outside of marriage and drinking to excess. Since those Christians who are offended by homosexuality should be equally offended by these practices, then by his logic, anyone who openly gets drunk or has sex with his girlfriend (or multiple girls – you know… there are health concerns, right?) outside of marriage, would also be detrimental to the US military.

He goes on to talk about the liberal “myths” surrounding homosexuality:

This means that all 1.4 million members of the U.S. military will be subject to sensitivity training intended to indoctrinate them into the myths of the homosexual movement: that people are born “gay” and cannot change and that homosexual conduct does no harm to the individual or to society.

I’m not going to even get into the issue of how hard he is trying to manipulate the reader into thinking that Richard Simmons is going to lead soldiers through a full college-length semester course intended to brainwash soldiers – hands on, of course – into being accepting of gays (and, oh no, maybe turning into one – ack!) when that is not the case or even close to being such. And while reading this claim that the military will “indoctrinate” soldiers with the “myths of the homosexual movement” should be enough for me to shrug this entire piece off as irrelevant and delusionally one-sided, the reality is that there are millions of people who are on the same page as this wacko – and that’s both sad and frightening.

To Perkins, it doesn’t matter that people who perpetuate the “myths” of homosexuality have decades of science and studies on their side, whereas his arguments are based on nothing of the sort – only 3,000 year old myths themselves. Even if there were no science or studies on homosexuality, the fact that guys like this are so obsessed with what people do in the bedroom because of some verses they pick and choose in the Bible around other verses that they completely ignore to do “times being different” is beyond laughable. Well, laughable if their bigoted agenda weren’t so serious.

These nutjobs are entitled to believe whatever they choose to believe (remember, these are many of the same folks and organizations who fought tooth and nail to keep schools segregated and interracial marriage illegal), but their complete lack of understanding that their bigoted beliefs cannot be apart of government jobs and public programs can only be called two things: stupidity or delusions. If he were to get what he wants, he would only continue to discriminate against thousands and thousands of good standing American citizens who want nothing more than to serve their country honorably and have the same rights and benefits of every other American.

I’ll leave you with this nonsensical gem that he finishes with that only leaves me baffled as to how this guy can be an educated adult (oh yeah, Liberty University) and former elected politician (oh yeah, Louisiana). I can’t even come up with an appropriate response to his complete misunderstanding of American politics and history:

It was religious liberty that drew the Pilgrims to America and it is religious liberty that leads off our Bill of Rights. But overturning the American military’s centuries-old ban on homosexual conduct, codified in a 1993 law, would mean placing sexual libertinism – a destructive left-wing social dogma found nowhere in the Constitution – above religious liberty, our nation’s first freedom.

You can read the entirety of his nonsense right here.

UPDATE: Nice. CNN has posted a response by Harry Knox, Director of the Human Rights Campaign’s Religion and Faith Program.