“My brother is extremely religious since his troubled youth,” says his sister. “He’s not crazy.”

And so ends the story of Gary Brooks Faulkner – or perhaps it is only the beginning. Coined by the media as “The Rocky Mountain Rambo,” Faulker has been waging nearly a decade of solo clandestine war against Osama bin Laden, traveling numerous times throughout Pakistan, learning their culture, making connections, gaining intel on the 9/11 mastermind’s whereabouts, while doing his best to blend in with the locale. Unfortunately, his mission came to a premature end the other day when suspicious Pakistani officials arrested him after finding in his possession of a handgun, a sword, night-vision goggles, a small amount of hashish, and numerous books on Christianity when trying to enter the country.

Faulkner feared no terrorists on his search for the 9/11 mastermind. Trained in the ancient martial art of Hapkido, he was prepared to take on any terrorist who got in the way of his goal: taking down the man who tried to take down America.

“The fact that he’s been over there six times and has not received a scratch tells me that somebody’s looking after him,” said Scott Faulker, another sibling. “[Gary] could blend in with the local population and go places that our military cannot go. We [the US government] have relationships with the Pakistani government: ‘OK. You can go in this region or you can’t go in that region,’ whereas my brother could go about willy-nilly. He had a long beard. He looked like Taliban. When he wore his robe, he looked like Taliban. The only way you could tell he was not was when he spoke.”

I wouldn’t go as far as saying that he “looked Taliban” – rather, on first glance, one might think he was headed willy-nilly to a Grateful Dead concert. Hell, he even brought some hashish. Who in their mind would bother a Deadhead? I have one qualm though: one might think that speaking the native tongue fluently would be essential to tracking down the most wanted man in the world. Besides, as I understand it, Islamic extremists don’t take very kindly to westerners.

“Who do you work for?” the masked extremist asks, slapping Gary across the face.

“I work for, like, God, man… and Mohammad is his bitch.”

“Ajmal – get the camera and machete. Now.”

“Right on, bro.”

Really though, I whole-heartedly support Mr. Faulker’s ambitions. Much like the man he was hunting, his kidneys are failing him and according to his sister, they have only 9% function, meaning he needs kidney dialysis three times a week. All he wanted, she said, was “to do one last thing for his country before he died.” We sit here sipping on our appletinis, watching bad reality TV, expecting the military to do all of the dirty work, while dying Gary is sword-fighting and flying side kicking his way to bin Laden one terrorist at a time. He didn’t even rely on the crutch of military experiences, although, as his sister put it: “He does come from a family of hunters.”

And as Gary put it: “God is with me, and I am confident I will be successful in killing him.”

I think we all have a little something to learn from Mr. Faulker.

Sources: 1, 2

From the producers of Sherlock Holmes comes Darwin: Evolution of a Madman. Is it crazy that I actually want to see Hollywood make an action-adventure about a swashbuckling Darwin? Awesome.

So, actor and voiceover master D.C. Douglas gets fired by Geico for a politically-charged sarcastic voicemail that he left an organization closely aligned with the Tea Party and here is his response. No more needs to be said.

If this whole hopey-changey thing doesn’t work out for him, at least President Obama can feel comfort in knowing that he has a future in stand-up comedy. At the the White House Correspondents Association Dinner last night, the President nailed just about every joke with the comedic timing of a seasoned stand-up veteran.

On the other hand, the supposed “real” comedic act of the night, Jay Leno, rambled off bland one-liner after bland one-liner from his notecards for twenty minutes – that old, predictable, safe mother-in-law humor. Granted, for the rest of eternity, it will be difficult for anyone to live up to Stephen Colbert’s ballsy and ironic roast of President Bush in 2006 (such a brilliant, oh-no-he-didn’t roast filled with all of those delicious moments of uncomfortable silence), but you would think Leno could have been at least a little less restrained and little more, well, funny. Where’s Conan O’Brien when the President needs him?

While all the fifteen minutes of the President’s routine are worth watching, here are a few of my favorite jokes that he nailed.

I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight – great to see you, Jay. I’m also glad that I’m speaking first, because we’ve all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno’s.

I work a lot. And so I wasn’t sure that I should actually come tonight. Biden talked me into it. He leaned over and he said, “Mr. President, this is no ordinary dinner. This is a big [beep] meal.”

Now, look, obviously I’ve learned this year politics can be a tough business, but there are times where you just can’t help but laugh. You know what really tickles me? Eric Massa. Apparently Massa claimed that Rahm came up to him one day in the House locker room, stark naked, started screaming obscenities at him – to which I say, welcome to my world. I feel you. It’s a tense moment.

He finished it all off by taking a moment to drop the comedy act in order to say some insightful remarks on the importance of a free press:

Earlier today I gave the commencement address at Michigan, where I spoke to the graduates about what is required to keep out democracy thriving in the 21st century. And one of the points I made is that for all the changes and challenges facing your industry, this country absolutely needs a healthy, vibrant media. ‘Probably needs it more than ever now.

Today’s technology has made it possible for us to get our news and information from a growing range of sources. We can pick and choose not only our preferred type of media, but also our preferred perspective. And while that exposes us to an unprecedented array of opinions, analysis, and points of view, it also makes it that much more important that we’re all operating on a common baseline of facts. It makes it that much more important that journalists out there seek only the truth.

And I don’t have to tell you that. Some of you are seasoned veterans who have been on the political beat for decades; others here tonight began their careers as bloggers not long ago. But I think it’s fair to say that every single reporter in this room believes deeply in the enterprise of journalism. Every one of you, even the most cynical among you, understands and cherishes the function of a free press and the preservation of our system of government and of our way of life.

Well put, Mr. President.

Just saying. You want religion separate from politics, traitor? All you’re going to do is start a civil war.

“Do you know what Fruit Loops are?  They’re like gay Cheerios.”  Saddam Hussein

Source: 1

If your name is Richard Swett, it’s probably best to go by Rick or Rich.  Not Dick.

I’m not sure how you keep it together when you hear someone announce that their name is ‘Dick Swett’.  On a funnier side note: he’s also a Mormon.

I don’t frequent Gawker, because it is essentially a New York City gossip blog and I hear my fair share of gossip around the water cooler, but on occasion one of their writers will whip something together that strikes up some interest. In this case, Ravi Somaiya wrote up an article titled “Why Aren’t Conservatives Funny?,” and it’s an interesting observation, one worth discussing.

But there is no good right-slanted Onion, or Daily Show or Bill Maher and no right-wing satirist who can nail liberals like Stephen Colbert nails conservatives. In 2007 Fox tried to launch a show to take on Comedy Central (despite Jon Stewart, in particular, sniping across political lines). The 1/2 Hour News Hour, marked by canned laughter, was described as “so heavy handed that it seems almost like self-parody,” and was quickly cancelled.

If the Teabuggers, whose idea of hilarity is at the ‘dress up funny’ level of high-school skits, are the cutting edge, the new generation, then prospects are not looking good for the future either.

Maybe it’s because absurdity and hypocrisy – staples of political humor – are far more prevalent on the right. If a family-values conservative gets caught with a wide-stance in an airport bathroom stall, or claims to be “hiking the Appalachian trail” when he’s in fact schtupping the Argentinian woman, that is amusing. When liberals cheat or lie it tends to be far more mundane.

I remember when the 1/2 Hour News Hour aired a couple of years back and I checked it out, just out of curiosity, even if I felt a little guilty for giving Fox News my share of a ratings boost. It was painful, a total mess of a show, and not just because what they poked fun at didn’t align with my political views. It was just miserably unfunny. Hop on YouTube and you can verify this. It was no wonder that it was cancelled very early in its run.

The writer goes on to examine the recently arrested James O’Keefe who considers himself a humorist as well as an investigative journalist, but he just isn’t funny, and is lowbrow at best. As the writer examines, it could be his having grown up “in a wealthy bubble, in slacks and blazers from the cradle up,” which he says is “almost a prerequisite of conservatism” and when “the toughest experience you’ve had is Juanita ironing an inadequate crease into your golf pants even though you’ve told her about this before, you may struggle to wield the comedy of universal experience.”

An interesting point, although I grew up in a lower to middle class rural town, where conservatism is the standard and people share anti-liberal emails with loved ones on a daily basis, probably somewhat as a result of the rampant religion and a misunderstanding of how government works in general – the typical Confederate flag waving “stay out of my business” attitude towards the government, unless the government is providing them with food stamps and social security.

I do get a lot of laughs from conservatives though – but why is it that I only find them funny when they don’t mean to be? Hell, the only conservative comedian I can think of, Dennis Miller, lost his edge when he “converted” to conservatism or whatever it was he changed about himself after 9/11 that all of the sudden made him a Bush supporter and Fox News regular.

Maybe it’s just because conservatives provide liberals with plenty of ammo for their jokes, or maybe liberals just tend to be more art-oriented, or maybe it’s just a complete coincidence. Whatever the case, the right will continue to risk alienating the malleable minds of the younger generation by being irrelevant, because just as everyone knows humor can win the heart of a woman, humor can win over the minds of the young and undecided.

Feel free to chime in with your thoughts.

I really don’t know much about Massachusetts Senator-Elect Scott Brown, other than he is the Republican Senator filling Ted Kennedy’s seat, he used to drive a truck and model for Cosmo, and the teabaggers support him. Oh, and his daughters are, like, totally single.

While giving his nationally-televised speech following his win in Massachusetts, Brown’s comments took a serious note when he spoke of his two young daughters: “Just in case anyone who’s watching throughout the country, yes they’re both available.”

And I was kind of wondering, because there is nothing that I like more than corrupting young conservative women. Senator Brown, expect a formal proposal along with a dowry of $170, some frankincense, and a camel in your mail by next week sometime.

Not all are going to be standing in line for their hands in marriage though. Glenn Beck on his radio show made known his distaste for Brown offering up his daughters to the highest bidder. “This one could end with a dead intern,” Beck tastefully said of Brown’s election. “I want a chastity belt on this man. I want his every move watched in Washington. I don’t trust this guy. … Let’s put an ankle bracelet on him. Let’s know where he is at all times.”

Beck has made his voice heard, so it’s only a matter of time before even the teabaggers turn on Senator Brown… and I steal his daughter’s heart.

Sources: 1, 2

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