Six Democrats and sixteen Republicans in the Virginia Senate recently found a more interesting way to help people kill each other by passing Bill 334, making it legal for people with concealed weapon permits to carry guns into restaurants and bars. If you thought that this sounded like a bad idea, worry no longer though. If you do carry your concealed weapon into a bar in Virginia, you’re not allowed to drink with your gun on you. This might make you wonder what someone would be doing in a bar with a gun in Virginia while they weren’t drinking, but I think the answer is pretty obvious: challenging someone to a duel.
This is a vast improvement from current Virginia law, which only makes it legal to carry a firearm into your local Sizzler only if it’s visible. Fortunately, if restaurant owners are uncomfortable with the thought of their patrons settling their checks with lead, they still have the right to ban guns from their establishments. Now, when you go to get your Grand Slam at Denny’s, you also receive a complimentary pat-down at the door as well!
In another stroke of genius, the Virginia Senate also made it legal for citizens who do not have a concealed gun permit to be able to conceal their guns in the glove box of their car. Sen. Jill Holtzman Vogel, who suffers from one-too-many last names, argued that the world is a much safer place when someone’s gun is locked in the glove box of their car. She said it also made it a lot more exciting for police officers who have to ask you to pull out your license and registration when they pull you over, because, shit, now your registration might be stuck to the gun in your glove box.
Most opposition to this new law rests with the concern of with gun wielding citizens drinking. However, Sen. Emmett W. Hanger brought up a really valid point when he said “…current law prohibited law-abiding citizens from enjoying their favorite restaurants, such as the Red Lobster, without the security of carrying their firearm.” (I swear, that is the example this guy used)
Obviously, raising an incredibly valid point, Sen. Mary Margaret Whipple consulted with her staffers, asked for a short recess, collected her thoughts, and replied, “As a final comment, let me just say this. I’ve really never been afraid for my life at the Red Lobster.”
Apparently there was some confusion about what went on at Red Lobster restaurants. When told that there were not actually giant, man-eating red lobsters at Red Lobster restaurants, Sen. Hanger, with a look of confusion then asked, “Why would people need to carry guns to a Red Lobster, then?”
My question to all these Senators who claim that citizens have a right to protect themselves is this:
What kind of crazy-ass place is Virginia where people feel threatened for their lives when they go out to eat at restaurants?!
I would probably just move away from a state if I felt that I needed a gun to protect myself and my family from all of the dangerous criminals at the IHOP.