Conservatives


And in typical New Left Media fashion, awesomeness ensues.

I’m not exactly sure when I first remember hearing about this whack job, but it was within the span of a few years ago. The first thing I remember hearing about this guy is that he tried to claim bankruptcy, didn’t file his tax returns properly, and stated that his motivation for claiming that he wasn’t a United States Citizen and had no income or possessions was because everything he owned belonged to God.

That’s a little glimpse of the mental capacity of the man in the title.

Typically (sadly) this wouldn’t strike me as anything more crazy than I’d hear on an average day on the news. However, what captured my attention and I found particularly agitating was the fact that this man had his PhD. “Why does this bother you so?” you might ask. Well, it’s because someday I’d like to have my PhD (or at least my EdD), and this ass-clown is really devaluing the worth of a doctorate.

I’m sure by now you’re wondering how this one person could single-handedly destroy the value of the most prestigious academic achievement mankind has to offer. In order to better understand this, let’s dig a little bit deeper into the life of this big, dumb man-child and see what comes about. **Brace yourselves for large bouts of laughter, followed by immediate feelings of nausea and remorse, please.**

“Dr.” Kent Hovind completed his bachelor of religious education degree at Midwestern Baptist College in Pontiac, Michigan in 1974. He was awarded his Master’s degree in 1988 from Patriot University in Colorado Springs. By 1989 he founded the Creation Science Evangelism Ministry and by 1991 had earned a “doctorate” in Christian Education from Patriot University as well. Now the problem with all of these degrees that Kent was earning was that Patriot University was (and is still) a non-accredited university (accreditation is an award given to universities that prove the quality of their education through all kinds of different, rigorous measures. My alma mater is NCATE accredited, for example). It may be misleading if you go to their website, however, because they claim that they’re accredited, just not by the ‘government.’  It’s accredited by God.  Unfortunately for the graduates from Hillbilly U., God’s signature of accreditation is worth about as much as accreditation from Santa Claus.

Now, onto some other points of interest in Hovi’s life. Don’t worry, we’ll get back to his academic credentials in a hot minute.

For now though, let’s move onto another facet. A little place I like to call…

Dinosaurs! Adventures! All in the comfort of this creepy guy’s backyard!

Kent is also the creator of Dinosaur Adventure Land (DAL), a theme park based on creationism located behind his house in Pensacola, Florida. Yes, he’s serious. Read a little bit about Dinosaur Adventure Land here and try not to pee your pants as you giggle. Learn about dinosaurs, principles of science, and even how to make a paper airplane that can fly over 300 feet! Wow! I’m really excited about the paper airplane! I hope the Tyrannosaurus Rex teaches me how to make it! How this swindler made enough money to build a theme park in his backyard is well beyond me. Parents, this is precisely why you don’t tell your kids growing up that they can do anything. Because some of them may actually try.  And then be successful.

If you’ve already booked your flight to Florida to visit Dinosaur Adventure Land, however, you may want to check and see if you can get some vouchers for those tickets; DAL is closed indefinitely due to Kent’s federal tax evasion charges. Oh, and also because he didn’t obtain a building permit from the city of Pensacola before he built an amusement park in his backyard. There were 58 tax-related charges levied against him before he decided that he needed to try and save DAL for the children by deeding his theme park to his brother, Eric Hovind, and his equally zany partner in crime, Glen Stoll. Unfortunately, that’s illegal and is considered tax evasion. You don’t get points for trying and all you probably did was piss the federal government off more. They just want to seize your assets, Kent. And The Man gets what The Man wants.  Unlike your god.

“Ahh, first ones here! And you know why? ‘Cause we’re the Griswalds!”

Now, all of this wackiness isn’t really even what irks me the most about the guy; the federal charges, using God as an excuse as to why he didn’t file his taxes, the zany theme park he built for himself in his backyard (that does kind of bug me, actually. What a waste of money). What does bother me, however, is that this man refers to himself as “Dr. Hovind”, or, on his crazy-ass website, as “Dr. Dino”.  I’d like to preface what I’m about to show you with just how hard earning a PhD should be.

In a nutshell, on top of the coursework required by the university you attend, in order to obtain a PhD you have to create an original piece of academic research. Along the way you submit pieces of this research to publications so that, basically, everyone can bash it and you can see how well it holds up to the criticism of other professionals in the field. The peer review process is absolutely brutal, but necessary, to ensure the legitimacy of the research. After years of research, writing, rewriting, repeating, you submit your final thesis to be reviewed by a counsel that determines whether its an original, acceptable body of research or not.

I’ve seen this process bring some of the smartest, motivated people I’ve ever met to their metaphorical knees. But in the end, the collection of work submitted is (or should be) immense, compelling, and influential.

My interest was piqued about this crazy bastard and what kind of crazy, genius sociopath he was.  I had built him up to ‘Brain’ status from the Warner Bros. ‘Animaniacs’.  Simply diabolical.  How else could he get away with the shit that he got away with for so long?

I had built Kent Hovind up to this status in my head.

After reading his dissertation, I will tell you how:

People are dumb.

I tried to read Hovind’s work, but it’s like a dammed Shakespearean tragedy.  I laughed.  I cried.  Eventually I just wanted to give up and read the cliff notes.  If you’d like, you can check out his dissertation right here.

If you’re not feeling overly ambitious about reading some terribly written bullshit, let me give you the abridged version.  “Dr.” Hovind’s doctoral dissertation begins as follows:

Hello, my name is Kent Hovind. I am a creation/science evangelist. I live in Pensacola, Florida. I have been a high school science teacher since 1976.

Holy shit.  I feel like he just introduced himself at a speed dating convention.  After suffering through minutes of that man’s work, I value his doctoral status less than Dr. Seuss, Dr. Dre, and Dr. Pepper. All of whom I think are more qualified to lecture to anyone about anything more than Kent Hovind. At least Doctors Seuss and Dre are fun to listen to. Hovind writes like a dammed fourth grader.

Another favorite:

I will be quick to point out that “there is nothing new under the sun” Most of my ideas are the result of the input of hundreds of Godly men and women through the years.

God dammit.  I may wretch on myself.

I’m glad you’re admittedly writing your dissertation about nothing new.  That should really help advance the field of whatever the hell it is you’re rambling on about for pages and pages and pages.

Hovind is a charlatan of the worst caliber.  A stupid one.  A man trying to sell ketchup popsicles to as many ladies wearing white gloves as he can.  And then he has a stash of white gloves waiting in the wings.  And the ladies can see them.  But they still buy the popsicles anyways.  I would probably be a little less frightened if I thought this lunatic didn’t actually believe in the shit that he does, but I have a sneaky suspicion that he thinks the Earth is only 4,000 years old and that Jesus rode on dinosaurs while he was helping the blind to see again.

Yep.  He’s definitely one of those guys.  One of my favorite parts in that video has to be when he references a leviathan.

“Now what on earth is a leviathan?” he asks.

Hopefully you’re not wondering the same thing, because he answers his own question by saying, “I think leviathan is probably Tyrannosaurus Rex.  I don’t know.  I can’t prove this.  But I’ve read it many times and it seems to fit and it may or may not be right, but I’m preaching tonight so for tonight it’s Tyrannosaurus Rex.”

He does, however, digress into some interesting facts about T-Rexes though.  And I have to admit, they sound pretty awesome.  I hope he can make up some more shit about dinosaurs in the Bible.  In fact, from now on, let’s just call dinosaurs ‘leviathans’ instead!  Then, I’ll go catch a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and sleep with my 75 virgins waiting for me after I save the Easter Bunny from the deadly clutches of Frankenstein’s monster.

Of course I can’t prove any of that is actually possible.

Thanks for diluting the field, Kent.  After listening to his pointless story about how his mom drug him behind their vehicle on his bike using a rope, I guess I kind of get an idea of the gene pool his family swims in.  I hope you enjoy prison, you dick.

I suppose if you made me guess a state that this man would be running for governor of…

Alabama, it’d be awfully embarrassing for this guy to be in charge of a Bojangles, let alone your entire state.  What a jackass.

hack
1. machine politician: a politician who belongs to a small clique that controls a political party for private rather than public ends
2. a mediocre and disdained writer
3. an old or over-worked horse

Tony Perkins is a hack. He’s a bigoted, fear-mongering, hateful hack at that. A former Republican Representative from Louisiana with a degree from the Fundamentalist Christian Liberty University and the current president of the poorly named hate-group the Family Research Council, one might expect that when he writes some blubbering nonsense about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” undermining religious liberty, it might be laughable. One might not expect that to be on the front page of CNN though.

Yet, I actually applaud CNN for highlighting this man’s completely illogical and ignorant message in their political opinion column. It only proves to show how absolutely out-of-touch and dangerous organizations such as the Family Research Council really are. If they had an ounce of credibility left – they didn’t – it would be far out the window now.

Just take a look at a few of these man’s excuses for an argument:

Some people think allowing open homosexuality in the military means nothing more than opening a door that was previously closed. It means much more than that. It would mean simultaneously ushering out the back door anyone who disapproves of homosexual conduct, whether because of legitimate privacy and health concerns or because of moral or religious convictions.

These radical Christians cannot get over their absolute obsession with sex. He argues that if what a soldier does in the privacy of his own bedroom is offensive to people of certain religious convictions, then allowing them to serve in the military would be equivalent to giving the boot to those who find it offensive. Christianity also condemns sex outside of marriage and drinking to excess. Since those Christians who are offended by homosexuality should be equally offended by these practices, then by his logic, anyone who openly gets drunk or has sex with his girlfriend (or multiple girls – you know… there are health concerns, right?) outside of marriage, would also be detrimental to the US military.

He goes on to talk about the liberal “myths” surrounding homosexuality:

This means that all 1.4 million members of the U.S. military will be subject to sensitivity training intended to indoctrinate them into the myths of the homosexual movement: that people are born “gay” and cannot change and that homosexual conduct does no harm to the individual or to society.

I’m not going to even get into the issue of how hard he is trying to manipulate the reader into thinking that Richard Simmons is going to lead soldiers through a full college-length semester course intended to brainwash soldiers – hands on, of course – into being accepting of gays (and, oh no, maybe turning into one – ack!) when that is not the case or even close to being such. And while reading this claim that the military will “indoctrinate” soldiers with the “myths of the homosexual movement” should be enough for me to shrug this entire piece off as irrelevant and delusionally one-sided, the reality is that there are millions of people who are on the same page as this wacko – and that’s both sad and frightening.

To Perkins, it doesn’t matter that people who perpetuate the “myths” of homosexuality have decades of science and studies on their side, whereas his arguments are based on nothing of the sort – only 3,000 year old myths themselves. Even if there were no science or studies on homosexuality, the fact that guys like this are so obsessed with what people do in the bedroom because of some verses they pick and choose in the Bible around other verses that they completely ignore to do “times being different” is beyond laughable. Well, laughable if their bigoted agenda weren’t so serious.

These nutjobs are entitled to believe whatever they choose to believe (remember, these are many of the same folks and organizations who fought tooth and nail to keep schools segregated and interracial marriage illegal), but their complete lack of understanding that their bigoted beliefs cannot be apart of government jobs and public programs can only be called two things: stupidity or delusions. If he were to get what he wants, he would only continue to discriminate against thousands and thousands of good standing American citizens who want nothing more than to serve their country honorably and have the same rights and benefits of every other American.

I’ll leave you with this nonsensical gem that he finishes with that only leaves me baffled as to how this guy can be an educated adult (oh yeah, Liberty University) and former elected politician (oh yeah, Louisiana). I can’t even come up with an appropriate response to his complete misunderstanding of American politics and history:

It was religious liberty that drew the Pilgrims to America and it is religious liberty that leads off our Bill of Rights. But overturning the American military’s centuries-old ban on homosexual conduct, codified in a 1993 law, would mean placing sexual libertinism – a destructive left-wing social dogma found nowhere in the Constitution – above religious liberty, our nation’s first freedom.

You can read the entirety of his nonsense right here.

UPDATE: Nice. CNN has posted a response by Harry Knox, Director of the Human Rights Campaign’s Religion and Faith Program.

In a sad attempt at being relevant to the times, Republicans have created the totally hip website American Speaking Out, with hopes of changing the image of the Republican party from gun-totin’, minority-hatin’, money-grubbin’, irrelevant bigots to a more hip party that anyone can be proud of joining and blogging about on their iPhones. I can see them now, smug smiles on their faces: “Look, we’re now downloaded on the internets!”

And as they want to convince people, they will let the voices on their website shape the political policies that they focus on from here on out (well, you know, if it agrees with what they already believe). From their website:

America deserves a Congress that respects the priorities of the people. Unfortunately, Washington hasn’t been listening. Let’s change that. America Speaking Out is your opportunity to change the way Congress works by proposing ideas for a new policy agenda. Republicans have offered solutions, and we have our principles, but this is a new venue for us to listen to you. So Speak Out.

Oh, and spoke out they have. The site contains five clickable categories where anyone can “debate ideas that are posted, offer one of your own, or just look around.” Then people can post responses and vote them either up or down the priority list. Look under all of the lists and most of the top suggestions are more progressive, liberal ideas – and of course, liberals have invaded the site with some hilariously over-the-top conservative ideas, but the frightening part is that sometimes I couldn’t tell whether or not the suggestions were liberal tongue-in-cheek suggestions or teabaggers serious thoughts. Here are just a few popular suggestions:

all leaders should proclaim faith in Jesus Christ. anyone who does not, like muslims and atheists should be removed from office.

I should have the right to name my children using numbers. If I want to name my child l33t, I should be able to name him that.

we need to employ some of those invincible black knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Robots aren’t yet people, but someday they will be. We must plan ahead and grant robots full voting rights, as well as the ability to seek the presidency. We must also make sure they get whatever demand, because a new form of life should be welcomed into the world. Further, they must be allowed to serve in the military. In fact, they should be in charge of the military. WE MUST DRAFT A ROBOT RIGHTS ACT before we need one!

Of course, there are plenty more that are serious. Here are some of the issues that have been voted to the top of each respective category. Take note, GOP.

Each year taxpayers foot the bill for a “war on drugs” that costs tens of billions of dollars, results in hundreds of thousands of arrests, and does absolutely nothing to solve the drug problem in this country. It’s time that we end the ineffective prohibition approach (just like we did with alcohol), and enact a new system of legalized regulation and taxation for drugs like marijuana. In addition to generating fiscal savings and new tax revenue for our economy, legalization will also improve public safety and national security by bankrupting the violent gangs and cartels who control the currently illegal market for drugs.

Repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Simple. Let the LGBT community serve in the military.

Government funds should not go towards religious organizations. I don’t want big government getting involved in my religion, and I don’t want money being wasted on something I don’t believe in. End the “christian nation” bull, taxpayer money shouldn’t be wasted on religion (it falls into the category of “wasteful government spending”). So repeal the law about faith based initiatives.

Good for you, Republican party. Good for you. Welcome to 1998.

There are many around the internets who are grumbling about how Laura Bush should have been saying this while her husband was sitting the Oval Office. While I agree that would have been fantastic, it’s not very realistic to think that a significant other would voice his or her opposing political views while their husband or wife was sitting in elected office. I say, hell, it’s better later than never for her to come out and say this – and maybe it will inspire some other significant others to speak out for what they believe it. It’s promising to see that there are some Republicans out there with common sense.

I can only hope that by the time I have grown children, these will be non-issues.

Who is ready for some sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll? Or, well, at least some potential sex in the back of a Ford F-150, Budweiser, and patriotic rock music (shame on me for perpetuating stereotypes)? If this sounds like a good time, be to to clear your calendars for September 11, 2010 and get ready to party down at the “Woodstock” of tea parties.

An event described as the “Woodstock” of tea parties is planned for Sept. 11 at the Monona County Fairgrounds in Onawa in western Iowa.

Craig Halverson of Griswold, who is helping to organize the event, said supporters hope to attract at least 1,000 people from Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota, Minnesota and other states. He said they are inviting prominent conservative speakers and plan to have bands perform patriotic music.

The event will have a “Take back our country” theme, Halverson said.

Yeehaw! This should be a finger-lickin’ good time, even if there is no chance of the Dixie Chicks being invited. Where do I sign up?

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