February 2010

Virginia: We like life exciting!

Six Democrats and sixteen Republicans in the Virginia Senate recently found a more interesting way to help people kill each other by passing Bill 334, making it legal for people with concealed weapon permits to carry guns into restaurants and bars.  If you thought that this sounded like a bad idea, worry no longer though.  If you do carry your concealed weapon into a bar in Virginia, you’re not allowed to drink with your gun on you.  This might make you wonder what someone would be doing in a bar with a gun in Virginia while they weren’t drinking, but I think the answer is pretty obvious: challenging someone to a duel.

This is a vast improvement from current Virginia law, which only makes it legal to carry a firearm into your local Sizzler only if it’s visible.  Fortunately, if restaurant owners are uncomfortable with the thought of their patrons settling their checks with lead, they still have the right to ban guns from their establishments.  Now, when you go to get your Grand Slam at Denny’s, you also receive a complimentary pat-down at the door as well!

This gun is no longer considered 'concealed' in Virginia.

In another stroke of genius, the Virginia Senate also made it legal for citizens who do not have a concealed gun permit to be able to conceal their guns in the glove box of their car.  Sen. Jill Holtzman Vogel, who suffers from one-too-many last names, argued that the world is a much safer place when someone’s gun is locked in the glove box of their car.  She said it also made it a lot more exciting for police officers who have to ask you to pull out your license and registration when they pull you over, because, shit, now your registration might be stuck to the gun in your glove box.

Most opposition to this new law rests with the concern of with gun wielding citizens drinking.  However, Sen. Emmett W. Hanger brought up a really valid point when he said “…current law prohibited law-abiding citizens from enjoying their favorite restaurants, such as the Red Lobster, without the security of carrying their firearm.”  (I swear, that is the example this guy used)

Obviously, raising an incredibly valid point, Sen. Mary Margaret Whipple consulted with her staffers, asked for a short recess, collected her thoughts, and replied, “As a final comment, let me just say this. I’ve really never been afraid for my life at the Red Lobster.”

Apparently there was some confusion about what went on at Red Lobster restaurants.  When told that there were not actually giant, man-eating red lobsters at Red Lobster restaurants, Sen. Hanger, with a look of confusion then asked, “Why would people need to carry guns to a Red Lobster, then?”

My question to all these Senators who claim that citizens have a right to protect themselves is this:

What kind of crazy-ass place is Virginia where people feel threatened for their lives when they go out to eat at restaurants?!

I would probably just move away from a state if I felt that I needed a gun to protect myself and my family from all of the dangerous criminals at the IHOP.

Sen. Emmett W. Hanger: Advocate for people who fear for their lives at Red Lobster.

Sources: 1, 2

“Do you know what Fruit Loops are?  They’re like gay Cheerios.”  Saddam Hussein

Source: 1

Dr. Irving Weissman: humankind's champion; lab rats' worst nightmare.

If you’re one of those weird parents who holds on to literal pieces of your newborn baby, like their umbilical cord, Dr. Irving Weissman, a leader in stem cell research in the United States, suggests you don’t pay thousands of dollars for someone to keep it on ice for you.

Recently, charlatan clinicians have been sweet-talking new parents into putting their neonate’s umbilical cords into ‘stem cell banks’ to the tune of $3,600+ in hopes of being able to use its cells later to cure potential illnesses.  As an insurance policy for your kids, you’re better off investing your money in a CD.  Dr. Weissman, an MD, scientist and all-around bad ass, has this to say on the matter:

“‘Umbilical cords contain blood-forming stem cells at a level that would maintain the blood-forming capacity of a very young child… They could also have derived mesenchymal cells — fiberglass-like cells that have a very limited capacity to make scar, bone, fat — but they don’t make brain, they don’t make blood, they don’t make heart, they don’t make skeletal muscle, despite what various people claim,’ he said.”

So, if you wanna hold onto those umbilical cords because you’re a weirdo, go ahead.  But if you think that one day it’s going to potentially save your child… well, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we’re not there just yet.

It’ll be interesting to see over the next couple of months how the first FDA approved clinical trial turns out.  At the Medical College of Georgia, scientists will be evaluating the use of a child’s own cord blood stem cells as an intervention for cerebral palsy (Sources 5 and 6).  This study, however, seems to be (to the extreme layperson… me) conducted in a different context as people whose children are born with a preexisting condition could conceivably use their umbilical cords to immediately affect these types of brain disorders.  These parents are not paying thousands of dollars to have someone hold onto their child’s umbilical cords in hopes of using them later on for developing conditions.

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Are we about the quote a Republican? You know, favorably? You bet we are. Aimed at his fellow Republicans, particularly Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, California Governor and all around bad ass Arnold Schwarzenegger had this to say:

“I find it interesting that you have a lot of the Republicans running around, and pushing back on the stimulus money and saying, ‘This doesn’t create any new job.’ And then they go out and do the photo ops, posing with the big check and they say: ‘Isn’t this great, look at the kind of money I’ve provided for the state and this is money to create jobs, and this has created 10,000 new jobs, this has created 20,000 news jobs, and all those kinds of things.’ It doesn’t match up. … I don’t want to beat up on my Republican colleagues but I think it is kind of politics rather than thinking about one thing, and this is: ‘How do we support the president? How do we support him and everything we can in order to go and stimulate the economy back and think about the people and not the politics?’ … Anyone that says this hasn’t created a job, they should talk to the 150,000 people getting jobs in California – from the private sector and also from the public sector.”

I was going to make a funny Schwarzenegger joke to end this, then I realized after this many years as the governor of California, every single possible joke has been made, usually numerous times, so I’ll refrain. I will say that it is nice to see a Republican say something that isn’t completely nonsensical for once.

Source: 1

New Left Media strikes again, giving radical conservatives the chance to speak their thoughts, providing us with the enjoyment of watching them crash and burn as they try to explain why they believe what they believe. The enjoyment soon turns to disgust though when you realize that this isn’t a skit from Mad TV, but real people and real opinions. Ack!

Previous New Left Media videos: Palin book signing, Tea Party march in DC, Equal Rights in Maine

According to Elton John he was.

“I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems. On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving. I don’t know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East – you’re as good as dead.”

You know, he did hang out with twelve dudes all the time, never talked about ladies, and loved designer sandals.  Could you imagine the repercussions to organized religion if it turned out that Jesus was gay?  Ladies and gentlemen, the next big Vatican-conspiracy-led story by Dan Brown: Jesus and the Penis.

Jesus and the Apostles.

Source: 1

The media doesn’t do a very good job and Americans don’t do a very good job at getting on the case of things that are not immediate or completely easy to understand right away or have no celebrities involved.

-Bill Maher

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