November 2009

New Left Media is at it again, this time interviewing the people who would brave hours in line to get their copy of Going Rogue signed by the former governor of Alaska and potential future presidential candidate, Sarah Palin. As usual, the questions are broad and the interviewer, Chase Whiteside, passively lets the interviewees self-destruct by displaying their lack of knowledge on just about everything. Sure, going to a liberal rally and you’ll find just as many buffoons who couldn’t tell you a single thing about Barack Obama, but it’s so much funnier to watch Republicans make fools of themselves.

No, this is not the clever title of the new ‘Wedding Crashers’ sequel, unfortunately.  However, if you’re not up to anything this year Vince Vaughn, give me a call because I have a great idea for you.

I have absolutely no idea how you sneak into the White House, supposedly the most secure place on the planet, but Michaele and Tareq Salahi snuck their way into a Presidential soirée honoring the Prime Minister of India, Manmohan Singh this past Tuesday.  Now, I don’t know about you, but after hearing about this story I had a pretty good idea about how this whole night had to have gone down.

"Joe and I go way back. To the beginning of tonight."

First, Michaele and Tareq hatched a plan to sneak into the White House to steal the Queen’s Crown Jewels, which were on display for the Prime Minister of India’s awesome State Dinner Celebration Extravaganza.  Michaele then contacted his saucy black friend, (played by Samuel L. Jackson) who also works inside the White House to take a plate full of Maryland crabcakes to the snipers on the roof.  Only the crabcakes are chock full of sedatives.  When the snipers passed out, Michaele, Tareq, and their little Asian-gymnast friend parachuted onto the roof of the White House.  After rendezvousing with saucy black friend, they employed the skills of their Asian gymnast friend to shut down the laser-alarm system in the vents, which allowed the Salahis to strip off their jumpsuits into their formal party-wear, sneak through the vents into the party, hobnob with the Chief of Staff and VP before giving the President a casual by formal head nod.  They then were able to sneak into the crown jewel room while everyone was distracted, talking about who that couple was that no one knew, hide the jewels in Tareq’s purse and walk out the door with them.  Easy as 1-2-3, right?

Actually, it was apparently a lot easier than all of that.  And, sadly, none of it involved a heist with the Crown Jewels either.  That was just an awesome catalyst for the plot of a heist movie I’m going to write and then sell to the director of the movie ‘2012’.  No, I guess the Salahis were just looking for a good party and they heard there was a bitchin’ one at the White House.  So they showed up, passed through a couple of security checkpoints and voila, there they were in a room with some of the most important people on the planet.

Boy, Secret Service’s face must be a little red right now.  Obviously these people aren’t even real spies.  Real spies would never post their espionage pictures on facebook.  So, this naturally begs the question: if the Salahis aren’t spies, but can sneak into the White House, where, then, can the real spies sneak into?

If you’d like to read the original article about the Salahi Spies, check it out here.

I love America; to an extent. Sometimes we, not only as Americans but as people, tend to let certain ideologies and categorical beliefs direct our judgment. As of lately, there seems to be one such area where everyone seems to have a strong dissenting opinion, and I am not talking about who is to blame in the Jon and Kate Plus Hate fiasco or “why are those people in the Snuggie commercials wearing their robes backwards,” hence my conditional love of our country. No, that center-ring star of the national circus would be public health care. I have heard and participated in many debates, both of sound mind and body and those of more sound, less mind (drunk), where both sides assessed the merit of a public health care system.

And what did all of those conversations have in common? They were all pointless.

No one ever wins when it comes to these debates and we always just walk away thinking about how big of an idiot that other person is. So I decided to try and figure out a way to convey my opinion of a public health care system in the most productive way possible. My first thought was that I could write portions of MY IDEAS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, AS TO CONVEY A SENSE OF THREAT AND URGENCEY. As enticing as it would be to write while completely ignoring any literary conventions and general intelligence, that would be just too folksy for me. My next possible avenue was that of extreme conservatism. I could roll up on my adversaries’ place of business and just forcibly tea-bag my opinion down their throat. That method, although enjoyable and making for good television, would just get messy. My third option was that of the liberal route. I could be painfully meticulous and boringly informative in the explanation of my opinions, and at the first sign of political opposition I could fold up like a Prius in a head on collision – also no.


Who wants to listen to real people tell obviously fabricated stories about their pathetic lives? I want to hear why healthcare reform is necessary from politicians, so then I can say, “WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HEALTHCARE, RICHIE RICHARDSON McOIL, YOU SOCIALIST COMMIE FASCIST!” Why would I want to hear what average Larry the Liberal wants to say, as if he knows more about politics than a professional such as Glenn Beck?

Don’t give us your sob story about how your daughter died because she didn’t have healthcare. THIS IS AMERICA, HOME OF THE FREE, NOT HOME OF THE FREE DOCTOR’S VISITS. Stop letting yourselves die, and get a job with healthcare benefits. That should be easy. The job market is hotter than ever right now.

Call me crazy, but I’ve always felt that the best way to deal with these propaganda spreading liberals and make my political point is by heckling everyday citizens sharing their stories, especially those telling recent personal tragedies. We don’t debate, we berate. That’s my motto and that’s the American way. These are America’s true patriots. These are the teabaggers.

Yes, that is an Alanis Morissette reference.  And, coincidentally, she’s looking pretty foxy now-a-days; but that’s a whole different story altogether.  This post actually has nothing to do with Alanis Morissette.

Post Dave Coulier AND Ryan Reynolds. How did she manage to keep it together?

It does, however, have a lot to do with Real Life Super Hero Travis Hodge who helped police apprehend an armed robbery suspect moments after he and his accomplices allegedly held up a La Mexicana in Omaha, Nebraska.  Witnesses claim that three masked men walked into the restaurant carrying guns on the evening of November 19th, 2009.  After the robbers fled the scene, innocent bystander Travis Hodge pursued one of them a few blocks down the street before tackling and wrestling him to the ground.  “That’s pretty sweet.  Where’s the irony in that?” you ask.

Travis Hodge was released from jail on a burglary charge just hours before chasing down and subduing said dangerous criminal.

We owe him a bit of thanks,” said Omaha police Lt. George Merithew.

Average bystander, or is Travis Hodge more than meets the eye?"

I’ll say.

Now, I have absolutely no idea about Travis Hodge, what kind of person he is, or the circumstances of his life.  I’ve never met him and can’t speak on his behalf.  In fact, I’ve never even been to Omaha.  And I’m not in any way endorsing how our criminal justice system rehabilitates inmates (because that’s also a topic I don’t feel qualified to discuss).   He may have done absolutely nothing to better himself in jail.  Maybe he’s just a nice guy who made a mistake in youthful ignorance.  I don’t know.

Regardless of his motives, or whether it is truly nice to see a former law-breaking citizen contributing to society, whether it’s helping an old lady cross the street with her groceries or chasing down armed robbers and doing battle with them until the police get there (in my mind I have his wrestling match painted as more of an Anakin-Obi Wan-on-Mustafar-style fight).

This little glimmer of hope may just help me get through the weekend.  Yeah for society in Omaha, Nebraska.  Hopefully this young man can keep himself on the path of righteous and just and continue to fend of the forces of evil that are flooding the deadly streets of the Midwest.

For more details, check out the full article here.

Because Paul Newman was better than you. And better than you’ll ever be. Swallow that pill of truth, bitches.

“I’m a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter, either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being, by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.”

You eat fifty hardboiled eggs and then maybe I’ll value your opinion.

Highlights of Current Senate Legislation:
-Insures 94% of Americans
-Reduces deficit by $127 billion over next decade
-Includes public option opt-out for states

Be prepared for the potential filibuster and make sure that you understand how a filibuster works. Should it be something we fear though? Maybe not according to this opinion piece:

With health care now consuming more than one-sixth of America’s GDP and a recent Harvard study estimating that 45,000 Americans die each year from lack of health insurance, the nation can no longer afford this pattern of legislative deadlock. The solution is for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to exercise his right to restore the traditional filibuster. Were Senator Reid to do this, the opponents of health care reform would have to make their arguments against permitting the majority to vote in full public view.

The outcome of such a public debate is by no means preordained. But it would take a matter of urgent public policy import out of the backrooms of the Senate and into the public arena. Democrats who favor health care reform should not shrink from an old-fashioned filibuster, but welcome it. And if Senator Lieberman and his colleagues wish to argue their case in the court of public opinion, then by all means let them do so. For the result may be not only the end of an untenable status quo in health care, but also the weakening of an archaic Senate tradition that has debilitated the legislative process.

The question is: how many Americans that aren’t steadfast in their beliefs already would even care to watch it?

Sources: 1, 2, 3

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